Hello It's Me

The Old Man Trapped In My 4yrs Body

My 4yr old is such an old man. I picked him up late from school today. He refused to give me a kiss hello. We sat out in the school parking lot as he ate his dinner (a roast beef sandwich on rye with swiss cheese, sautéed cherry tomatoes, bell peppers and portabella mushrooms).He loosens his belt and his tie as he completes his meal by washing it all down with half a cup of ice cold root beer. Once he was done, he insisted that I go back into his class room and ask his teacher to send him some home-work. He would need something to read while he used the schools bathroom. Finally after about an hour we leave the school yard. This is about 6pm. We go to pick up my mom and meet a client. 

Once we arrive he buckles his pants, fix his tie and dust of his shoes. We walk into the lobby, he darts for the information table and picks up a map and a What To Do magazine which he firmly tucks under his arm before making his way to the lounge. Flips through a few magazines complimenting the cover model’s beauty but insulting her clothing and quickly concluding that the magazine was not worth reading ( he can’t read anyway ). After choosing the “perfect seat” he begs for a cup of coffee, no sugar, no cream. When I refused to give him coffee, he rolls his eye, folds his legs, opens his magazine and mutters, “ok then. I would like some tea please, with cream.”  Upon finishing his cup of tea he points to the picture of diamonds in the magazine he was looking at and he asks, “Mama, would you like some of these? If you don’t mind a toy one I can get you it right away but if you want the real thing you will have to wait until I become a man.”  

Shortly after this conversation we went to meet the client. He rolls his magazine tightly, tucks it under his arm then jams both his hands in his pockets, fluffs his pants and slowly walks down the path toward the meeting area. As he walks he stops suddenly to pick a flower which he hands over to me and says, “do you know that I love? Put the flower in your hair. You will be even prettier.” Finally we reach the client. He extends his hand so that she could shake it. She asked him how his day was and he looks at me, smiles then turns to her saying, “my day was good. Did you have a good day?”

When we left he shook her hand and gave her a warm hug and completely against his nature he allowed her to kiss him goodbye.  If someone kisses him without his permission this usually turns into an hour long conversation about people coming into his personal space but I guess he made an exception seeing as though he liked her enough to promise to buy her a “real” camera so that she can get rid of that toy camera she took his picture with (he fancies himself a real photographer and I guess a wealthy man).

Finally we picked up my mom and we made our way home. As we pulled into the drive way he announces that he would like something to eat before bedtime. He request macaroni and cheese. I offer him yogurt and grapes with a glass of water. It was as though I had offered him a T bone steak. He could contain the excitement.  We got inside, he changed into something more comfortable. He requested blue berries in his yogurt and that his grapes be washed again because they were not clean enough for him. I gave him the grapes and yogurt and then he said that that would not be enough so he needed honey wheat toast and some of the pepper cheese to make it taste good. With food in hand he chose a comfortable chair to sit in and swung his feet over the handle so that he could relax while watching TV. What was he watching you may ask? Off course he was watching BLOOMBERG REWIND.   The room was completely silent as he was enthralled in the panel discussion.  At exactly 9:01 his program ended and the focus of the next program was Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad , he immediately shouts to me from the front room where he was eating and watching tv, “mama, come change the channel quick, this is not a kids program. There is a better movie on a different channel.” Like I said my son is an old man.


“Color” - portrait by Sam Spratt
Stumbled upon an old favorite, where my obsession for painting melting things began most likely.

Reblogged from samspratt


“Color” - portrait by Sam Spratt

Stumbled upon an old favorite, where my obsession for painting melting things began most likely.

Bird: Cattle Heron (breeding)
Location: Mangroves on Lake Cunningham in Nassau, Bahamas

Bird: Cattle Heron (breeding)

Location: Mangroves on Lake Cunningham in Nassau, Bahamas


Hand Study #2

Reblogged from maslov


Hand Study #2

The Darker Side Of Me

Its funny how life changes you. Or as I found out, if you live long enough, life exposes to you who you really are and gives you the option of changing. Thirty years has exposed the darker side of me. A side of me that I had no idea existed. My story starts a long time ago.

As a little girl I played with dolls and dreamt about having a baby. Whatever that meant! As a teenager, i dreamt about being a mother but learnt that it may not have been possible for me to have a child of my own. As a young woman I dreamt of being a wife. As a wife, I dreamt of having a family of my own with great thought and consideration as to how I would become a mother. Thoughts of how my children biological or otherwise would have both mother and father at home with them teaching them about what true love is and family values.

In my mind the world was filled with imperfections and so was I but as long as I held on to my values and faith everything would work out in the long run.

So I married, painfully aware of looming heart ache but with a spirit determined not to become overwhelmed by it.

Year 1: miscarriage

Year 1: Ectopic pregnancy - hospitalization

Year 2: Miscarriage - hospitalization

Year 3: Separated - from husband and step child

Year 4: Reconciled with husband - Miscarriage

Year 5: Horrible Pregnancy - Bouncing Baby Boy

Year 5: Separated - from husband and step child

Year 6: Single Parent

So this was the hand that i was dealt. The most important thing to me in my life became the thing that was threatening to distroy me. Husband gone! Life that i built gone! Single mother, sick kid, unsatisfied. What the hell was I going to do.

There was nothing left to do except, start over. So my son and I moved in with my mom. I took a job that I hated. A year later started a business. The baby became very ill. The illness ate up profits and savings. Baby became sicker, the business floundered as all roads leading to the business are closed and divorce papers are served.

My life had begun to suck on a level that I was not equipped to deal with. I needed an outlet. I needed a distraction. I needed a man. Someone to shoot the breeze with, to get giddy with, someone that I could trust to keep their mouth shut and allow me to escape my troubles even if it was only for a couple of hours a week. I needed peaches to my cream but I would settle for a George to my Wheezy. No sooner had I made this declaration to myself than suitors started to pop up out of the wood works.

I chose one. Once I made that choice this is when I started to see a glimpse of a woman that I did not know existed.

That chic was a man eater.

Man-eater: A beautiful girl with a great personality and intelligence; guys love her and the girls want to be her. You think you’ve scored it big when you start spending time with her, getting closer and closer every day. You fall head over heels with her and she leads you to believe she feels the same about you until BAMMMM! She says “we need some space” / “things are moving too fast” or something of that nature, successfully managing to break your heart, no, she rips it out, throws it on the ground and stomps all over it.

Yup! A passive aggressive man eating beast!

It started innocently enough. Long conversations, spending time building things, talking about life, dreams and goals. Then it happened! My son got really ill and was admitted to the hospital. I turned to my new friend for comfort, in his attempt to lighten the mood of the conversation he says, “let me carry you to dinner at a real restaurant…… because I know the fellas that you have been hanging out with can only afford to carry you to McDonalds.”

When he said this I saw red. Who did he think I was? I am a strong, self-sufficient woman, mother and business woman. I did not need him or any other random man to do anything for me. More importantly, I am 100% all natural woman with all of the power innate to every woman regardless of race. He had inadvertently flipped my switch and I transformed from gazelle to lioness and whether or not he knew it he as well as any other man that approached me would become my prey.

In retrospect I think that his plan to capture and tame me back fired on so many levels. However, the whole experience revealed something about me that left me totally disgusted. We went back and forward for a year   until finally I decided that enough was enough and I no longer wanted to be a man eater. So I broke it off permanently and dropped out of the dating scene completely.  Months later I got some news that rocked my world.  I was pregnant!  He was the father.

I called him up and to my surprise; he was not at all surprised.  His response, we must stay together, we must get married this is the only solution to this situation. When he said this, I saw another side of me. For the first time ever in my entire life I was seriously considering an abortion. This shocked me because not even when doctors told me that I may have to consider aborting my son so that I could live I  did not see abortion as a viable option.  I was disgusted with myself. I could not believe that after so many years of wanting children, and losing children that I would consider taking the life of my own flesh and blood.  This experience had taken me to a dark place .

But the truth is this in that moment this was how I felt.


I hear you

Needing me from within me

I know you’re there

Secretly, in a loud silence

I hear you

Calling to me

Needing me to speak to you.

To tell you.


I love you.




Love you!?

You vile thing

That have possessed me




Love you!?

I  feel you


Loving me

Inspite of me

From within me




Don’t you know

I’m no good

No good for loving



For anything

Did you not hear him say


Yes Her!

She is worthless!”

Nothing more than a waste of passion

In the moment in which she was conceived.




You must know!

Don’t you?


You must know

I heard you

Begging and needing for life like you deserve it

Wanting me to want you more than

The little things that I cling to.

I  felt you rumbling and tumbling Within me

behaving as only an animal would

Am I  moved by your wildness?

By your bouts of agility at the sound of my voice?

By your skillfulness in making a marionette of me?





Like You  

I was once


3yr old CEO - Born Yesterday, Thinking About Tommorow

Mother and Son sitting down reading a catalogue about fancy seeds in an effort to determine what will be planted in their backyard garden.

Mama: Josh, what do you think we should plant in our garden?

3 Year Old CEO: Corn, sweet peppers, cherries, strawberries, spinach and sweets peas because they my favorites.

Mama: I think that we should pick a good spot to plant the garden. We can probably plant corn first. What do you think we should plant first?

3 Year Old CEO: I am going to plant grass first. Don’t worry about it I will water it myself.

Mama: So I guess you don’t think we should plant corn first. Ok then. How about this? We can get some hats, go into the back yard, choose a spot for the garden then decide what we are going to plant.

3 Year Old CEO: I don’t need a hat because I am going to build some place for me to sit down under away from the sun. Then I am going to buy some food and drinks from the food store.

Mama: Hold it! Hold it! Hold It! What does planting grass, watering grass, building a shade and buying food and drinks from the food store have to do with planting a garden in the backyard? Don’t you want to plant a garden.

3 Year Old CEO:  The food is for the party! The shade is for me. The grass is so the place can look good and ….

Mama: What party? What are you talking about? I thought we were talking about planting a garden in the backyard.

3 Year Old CEO: That’s what I talking about, but I want a farm.

Mama: I don’t get it!

3 Year Old CEO: Ok. You listening? We gat to make da place look good. Have a party!  When the people come to the party everyone gat to work planting my farm while I sit in the shade. I need a farm Mama. A garden too small.

This is how a CEO of any age should be thinking. Not out of the box but thinking, creating and transforming traditional systems in spite of the box.


Perplexed on Flickr.

Perplexed on Flickr.



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